The Confession from my OLD blog http://rodel.i.ph

Actually I really don’t know how to start because while I’m writing this article I’m still in the process of moving on.

In fact my problem is just very simple yet complicated., but as what is my objective of having this blog I hope that somehow you will be able to find something educative here that you can use and apply to your own life. I hope that through this article I can help other people who have the same problem with me.  I hope that they will be able to relate their own experience to me that once in their life they made a BIG MISTAKE by LOVING someone too much.

And here is my story. . .

I used to have a girlfriend before. I love her very much and I feel very comfortable with her. I want to be with her always whenever there is a chance because we are both working. It is our usual routine for several months until I met someone who really touched my heart and made me feel out of love with my current girlfriend. At first I didn’t entertain this feeling because I don’t want to lose my girlfriend in the first place but I really feel guilty because no matter how hard I tried to avoid it, is the stronger I feel blameworthy about it.

I have no idea about the feeling of being a two timer because I’m not that kind of person but this time, I really feel I am. I feel so confused about the things that are happening to me. I even asked myself why it is happening. My girlfriend loves me so much but I am feeling out love and I’m sure that it’s because of this person.

Everything goes normal until the time came that I can no longer carry the guilty feeling that I have in my heart. My conscience is already bothering me about the situation and I can no longer hold on to this kind of circumstances.

JUNE 12. 2010

I am a member of a Catholic Organizational Ministry and this date is very important to me because this is my graduation or what we so called the “Lord’s Day” from this program. I prayed a lot during the ceremony and ask Him to lead me in the right track. I realized many things after the ceremony and you know what I did??

Yes! I broke up with my girlfriend as a result of my meditation.

I know it’s hard for my girlfriend to accept my decision, but what can I do?  I really feel out of love and  it’s all my fault. I know that I hurt my girlfriend but I also know that someday, somehow she will be able to understand that what I did is just the best thing I can to be honest to her and to put everything in right channel.

JUNE 13, 2010

I know its bad but this is also the time of our formal beginning as a couple.

I can’t understand but I’m so happy. I felt so loved and I really feel in love more than I felt before to my ex-girlfriend. I found the happiness to this person which I never felt before. I know this is not what I suppose to do or to be but I can’t fight this feeling anymore and everything goes the way I want it.

I did everything for this person. I gave even the things that I can’t believe I will be able to give like admitting everything just to make this person realize that I am really into our relationship. I even let this person know my access codes in all social networking sites that I am a member of, as well as my user id and password in my UZZAP Account.

I can never forget how this person prohibits me from being exposed to other people who can take me away. I found it very cheesy and “nakakakilig” because it might be one of the proofs that this person really loves me.

I found our relationship very tight so I decided to risk every love that I have for this person. I even say:

“bahala na basta ang alam ko mahal na mahal kita. ABANTE ako hon, HINDI ako PAPAYAG na mawala ka. IPAGLALABAN kita ano man ang MANGYARI”.

I can never forget how this person responds. I quote:

                “Abante ako hon, hindi ako papaya na mawala ka. IKAW ANG NAG PAPASAYA SA AKIN NGAYON”

I never thought that this line hides something in its last word which is NOW/NGAYON, but I did not put much attention to that; instead I became contented when this person directly says:

                “I LOVE YOU PO TALAGA.”

I have a pending job application to a highly respected and admired company in the US that time and after all the things that I did wrong specially to my xgf, I still feel blessed because I was able to know through my recruiter that my starting date will be on June 21, 2010. I’m so happy when I heard that news. 

But before that date this person told me that she is going somewhere to fix something. and because I love this person so much I let this person do it. Although we still have time to communicate during the process, I never thought that letting this person doing it will be the reason for this person to FEEL OUT OF LOVE FROM ME ALSO.

THIS IS THE MOST AND BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER DID IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

“After the word ” LIFE”, I honestly stop writing this article to give time for me to cry and think about the decisions I made in my life and I’m right I never ever made a decision like this before. A decision that almost killing me right now”.

I think and I know that this is already the revenge of KARMA for me because everything is just happening the way I left my gf before and it seems like a repetition of my previous mistake.

Again, everything goes normal. This person even called me via phone of other person that I do not know, saying everything is okay bout us, letting me expect that  everything is fine and we are still strong. But I think DESTINY is JUST that unpredictable or talagang mapagbiro.

AND AT LAST ON JUNE 25, 2010

At around 6:30pm when I am going home from work, I received a text message from this person saying that there is a lot of things that she realized in the place where she went out. This is the exact text that I received,

“dito na ako sa amin. Xory pero narealize ko na hindi pala kita mahal. Tatanggapin ko na lang lahat ng galit mo. Xori talaga.”

After that I called this person and I was given a chance to have  5mins conversation.

A lot of questions is coming out from my mind such as why? How come? What did I do wrong? I don’t even deserve to be treated like this.

But everything is just FINAL. There is nothing more I can do except accepting the revenge of KARMA.

I feel lost and I really cant find myself. I feel out of this world as I read the other messages that this person is sending me. 

I fell regret, loser, gagu, tanga etc.

I even hurt myself by giving a strong strike on our wall at home that caused me a painful wound but I just ignore it. I am crying a lot until my sister come before me and hug me tight.

I told everything to her and she asked me to be brave and just focus in my goals in life. Everything will be set accordingly in the right  time.

“You can’t take that away or forget everything in just an instant but as you go along the diverse path of our journey in this world you will be able to find the answers of every question that you are asking right now. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week but God wont give us challenge that we cant overcome just pray to Him and ask for His help. He will neither  leave you nor forsake you as He promised.

Just be thankful that as early as this you found out her real personality. “

I am crying so hard while listening to my sister’s advice and cried much harder when she added.

“There are only two things that I want you to do as an action plan for your problem.

FIRST is ACCEPTANCE. And the second one is FORGIVENESS.

Accept everything that happened and take it as part of your battle as a new joiner of the world which we called LOVE. Accept the fact that there is nothing permanent in this world except changes.

If you accept all those things that I mentioned, don’t just try but FORGIVE. Forgive yourself first and at the last part of the story FORGIVE this PERSON also.

Once you did those two things I SWEAR TO YOU EVERYTHING WILL BE SET ACCORDINGLY. PROMISE!

And after that I went to my room and I cried the whole night thinking of every memory that we have and at the same time say GOODBYE to this person..

at present.. i cant deny the truth that im still in the process of moving on because everything is just fresh but im looking forward for the time that I WILL BE ABLE TO FORGET THIS TRAGEDY , AND IF THERE IS ANOTHER CHANCE TO LOVE AGAIN.. I WILL STILL DO THE SAME THING BUT THIS TIME. WISER!!

and that ends my story.

  My Conclusion

We really can’t deny the fact that when we are in love we are being selfish and fool at the same time.

Selfish in the way that we don’t want the one we love to snatch by others, coz we feel that this person is one of our belongings as if it only belongs to us. And fool that we gave everything even we don’t have assurance of what might happen in the future, what we all know is that we are in love and we forget everything.

In my story I loved too much that I forgot to have at least a bit for myself. That’s the reason why I feel very LOST today. I don’t know where or how I will be able to start all over again. I even don’t know how to fix myself or do I have to let someone fix it for me? I don’t know.  I’m still looking for myself, and I hope I will be given a chance to find myself again. 

AND TO YOU LMPM I only wish you the best with your new love as what you insisted to me the last time we talked.  I hope that everything goes strong and let the chain stop so that no one will suffer anymore because ONE is ENOUGH, TWO is TOO MUCH. Good luck to you and your new ONE.

And to all of you my dear readers I hope and I prayed that you will not do what I did before because it’s hard to overcome a challenge like this. And I hope and I pray that somehow you picked a lesson from my story. I wish you all the best guys in your family and friends. Thank you for reading and visiting my blog.

THE ONE MOVING ON,

RODEL